ARLINGTON, Texas (The home of the Dallas Cowboys: The only team that knows how to turn thoughts of a victory into a pure comedy special) — Well, folks, it wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t even close. The Dallas Cowboys took another “L”, a real beating on Sunday, suffering a 34-6 defeat to the Philadelphia Eagles in a game so one-sided, it felt like a tutorial in how not to play football. If this was a Hollywood movie, we’d be calling it a “sports drama,” but in reality, it’s more of a dark comedy.
Let’s talk about the man of the hour (no, not Dak Prescott—he’s off getting second opinions about his hamstring). We’re talking about Cooper Rush. The hero of the 2022 backup quarterback drama where he went 4-1 in Dak’s absence, Rush somehow morphed into a stand up comedy routine this time around. Throwing just 45 yards, no no…you read it right, a stat line that would make even your grandma feel good about her touch football skills, Rush couldn’t hit a barn door with a pickup truck. But hey, at least he wasn’t throwing picks—he was losing fumbles. And a lot of them. Like, if fumbles were an Olympic sport, the Cowboys would have a full medal podium by now.
For those of you scoring at home, Rush wasn’t the only Cowboy giving the ball away like it was candy at Halloween. The Cowboys turned the ball over five times, and for a moment, it looked like Philly might open a bakery shop to sell all those turnovers (apple, cherry, peach, raspberry). The most dramatic moment? Rush lost two fumbles. Then, as if the heavens were giving us a sign, Trey Lance came in to save the day, because what the Cowboys really needed was a quarterback who can give you one more pick than Rush. Mission accomplished, Trey.
Meanwhile, Jalen Hurts was out there having a grand old time, throwing touchdown passes like he was giving out free samples at Costco. He finished with 202 yards and 56 rushing yards, and just for fun, decided to rest the second half while his backup, Kenny Pickett, came in to finish the game. At one point, it was so bad that the Cowboys’ defense had probably started to wonder if they could switch jerseys with the Eagles’ offense. Parsons was back, he sacked Hurts a couple of times, but it felt more like a cameo than an actual performance. Like, “Oh, you’re still here, Micah? You want to go through the motions for a bit?”
But let’s talk about the real kicker here—the Cowboys’ offense couldn’t even score a touchdown after getting the ball at the Eagles’ 6-yard line. That’s right, after Hurts threw a fumble right into their hands, the Cowboys managed to play an entire series of football that resembled something you’d see at a high school JV game. The only thing missing was the marching band and the concession stand selling overpriced nachos.
And then there’s Zeke Elliott. Zeke was back after his “I slept in for meetings” vacation last week, but apparently the only thing he remembered to bring with him was a fumble at the goal line. A classic, “I’m going to do everything I can to prevent us from winning this game or get fired” move. You could almost hear the crowd groan when they saw Zeke chugging down the field, preparing for his next signature blunder.
So where does this leave us, Cowboy fans? Well, the Cowboys are now 3-6, which is about as close to a playoff berth as a fish is to riding a bicycle. The Eagles are soaring at 7-2, comfortably sitting in first place in the NFC East, while Dallas just continues to reinvent the wheel of failure. Seriously, at this point, if there were a “worst-case scenario” competition, the Cowboys would be undefeated.
Here’s the thing, Cowboy Nation: the season may feel lost, but at least we’re all getting a lot of laughs out of it. The Eagles may have taken the NFC East lead, but Jerry and the Cowboys are taking the comedy crown. This might not be the season for trophies, but at least it’s the season for some good, old-fashioned schadenfreude. What’s that? Oh, I thought you’d never ask, that’s a German word that combines two elements: Schaden meaning “damage” or “harm,” and Freude meaning “joy.” So, schadenfreude refers to the feeling of pleasure or satisfaction that comes from seeing other people experience misfortune or failure. In other words, it’s the joy you get when something bad happens to someone else, especially if that person is someone you don’t particularly like.
In the meantime, Dallas will try again next week against their in-state rivals the Houston Texans, where—if things go according to plan—maybe the Cowboys can manage to only lose by 20 points instead of 28. There’s always a silver lining, folks.
So keep your heads up, Cowboy fans. Sure, our team might be broken and battered, but at least you’re witnessing one of the greatest sports tragedies of all time. And who doesn’t love a good disaster movie?
